When people find out how long I have been married to someone incarcerated, one of the quickest questions I receive is “What about sex?” I respond “What about it?” It is completely inappropriate to inquire about another person’s sex life, which is why I ask the person why and how this is their business. However, the question of sex is a revealing look at the mentality of people when it comes to prison, relationships, sex and (the piece they don’t consider)…intimacy, as it often leads my inquisitor to respond with “I don’t see how you do it.” And, this is where I educate them.

We live in such a sexualized world. Sex permeates every aspect of our lives, from direct references to the slightest innuendo. Some say sex is the most important part of a relationship. If that were true, relationships separated by distance and time would be flaccid, but that is not the case. When you are in a relationship removed from sex, thoughts and urges wane.

Intimacy is not a function of the anatomy. It is a function of the heart and at the center of that heart is communication. Communication is the tool by which intimacy enters. In this type of relationship, you can’t use sex to fix an argument or pass the time, you have to communicate. Intimacy is the ability to connect on a level so deep it transcends physicality and understanding. Intimacy is the by-product of communicating with love.

I’m able to be with my husband because we have true intimacy. I hear his heartbeat from the inside. I read the sound of his voice. I know the wounds and hurts before the words are spoken. I see the weariness that hides behind his eyes. I possess powers no other woman has because he only communicates with me, as in he allows me to see him stripped-down naked without masks, presumptions, or ego. Sex is fleeting, a moment in time, or a washed-off action in jest. Intimacy is a fingerprint on the soul. His hand print is on my heart. This is how I do it. Education complete.[rft]

Do you have true intimacy with your partner?
What’s the difference between sex and intimacy for you?

Ever chant a slogan over and over or cheer a team to victory? Remember the feeling?

The words become a part of you. You feel empowered. Excited. Intoxicating. Sane.

What do you chant about your relationship? How do you keep going?

The prison system has a way of permeating all aspects of your life. Sayings, slogans, and affirmations are a way to escape the demands of a prison-filled world.

Such as:

“We are going to make it!”
“I’m okay, if you are okay.”
“You are my air.”
“Family first. Prison whenever.”
“He/She is worth it.”
“My bid is better when you are better.”

Each time you utter a special saying, you recommit, but don’t stop there. Invent a world with a population of two, where no one else speaks the language, where you are…free.

Having a phrase that expresses who you are as a couple opens the door to your safe haven. Physicality is limited but there are no boundaries to the mind.

Your job is to do whatever necessary to make this life easier, to fortify each other and to keep moving forward, even if it seems out of this world.

Mrs. GE-6309 Time: My secret world is ‘homecoming.’ Homecoming is more than an event. It is a place I go when I want to feel better, a place where I dream and am happy. [rft]

What mottos/mantras/slogans to you use to cheer on your relationship?
How do you escape?

I often hear prisoners’ wives comparing themselves to military spouses. Early on, I too offered this analogy to help explain away the blank stares. In the context of: “My husband is incarcerated, but it’s no different than his being in the military.” Sure, there are similar tenets; partners are away from each other for extended periods; families must figure out how to raise kids, maintain a home, and create intimacy despite distance. Both relationships face difficulty with reintegration. That’s where the similarities end. For obvious reasons, prisoners’ wives do not receive the same respect as military wives and with another public distinction: military wives stand by their partners, prisoner’s wives wait.

When our partners come home, flags do not wave, TV cameras do not appear, and friends may not even call to say “Welcome Home.” Our partners’ homecoming comes with far less fanfare with some standing in line ready to brand our family—dishonorable.

Mary Poppins said it best, “A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down.” Likening ourselves to a military partner tastes sweeter than admitting our actual situation. When we try to convince someone our relationship is [like] something else, it devalues the true definition of the relationship. Comparisons seek to offer explanations and justifications. The mere act of analyzation diminishes one side over the other.

The decision to remain in a relationship with someone incarcerated is far more than a function of the heart. We take in to account the offense and whether or not, it lines up with who we are spiritually and morally. We factor in the long-term effects of the tenure of the sentence. We ask ourselves if we have the mental fortitude to take on, not only the separation, but also the perceptions and criticisms we face. Once we conclude the relationship is worth the hardship, the relationship is valid—nothing else required. When we back peddle with the military comparison, we wear away at the legitimacy of our relationship, with each spoon full of sugar.

Respect comes when we stand our ground and exude pride by stepping in to our true skin. The validity of our lives is not in the likeness to another institution but in the unlikeness of it and in embracing the notion that our lives are different, not less—eliminating the need for sugar. [rft]

Do you use the military analogy?
Are you ready to stand in your truth?

We pay for this life with different types of currency: money, family, friends, time and freedom.

Can you afford it?

Is the price you pay greater than the return on your investment?

Many prisoners’ wives/partners say they’ll gladly pay any price because it’s worth it. But, are you writing blank checks? Giving more than what you have?

Do you withdraw on an account that is emotionally, spiritually, and physically bankrupt?

You can’t make payments from an account with insufficient funds[rft].

See:
Top Two Resolutions for Prisoners’ Wives/Partners
Super Spouse Syndrome

What do you have in your account?

How can you start saving now?

Good Attitude:  You have heard the expression: Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it. From having an open-spirit, to being strong-willed, to being more optimistic, your experience is directly related to your attitude. They don’t fret over things they can’t control.

Mode of communication: Communication is the backbone of any relationship. Letters, calls, email, visits, doesn’t matter as long as you communicate. Communication tricks distance. No matter how far apart you are, reading a letter or hearing a voice will instantly transport you to where they are. Always find a way. Remember, quality matters over quantity.

Support System: Family, friends, church members, support groups, anyone willing to accept you and offer you an ear is someone you want to have in your corner. You need an outlet to release the baggage you might not know you are carrying. Anyone in this life doesn’t get through it alone, isolation breeds misery. Happy couples know this.

Memento: A picture, piece of clothing, DNA, quite honestly something to obsess over. You want to create the illusion your partner is with you. The picture in your heart works, but over time things fade. Couples who make it work express their devotion in endless pictures, t-shirts, cards, etc.

YOU: “And the two shall become one”…this sounds great on greeting cards and as a notion to live by when having a relationship, but not so much in the case of losing oneself under all things prison related. None of this is possible without you. You are the one who answers the calls. You are the one making the trips, sending the packages, getting the money orders. You are the one paying the bills, raising kids, maintaining homes, going to school….AND taking care of your partner. You are the one making sure your partner maintains some level of comfort. Take care of you! Successful couples never forget comfort for both partners is essential.

What does your kit contain?

Realize there is a stigma associated with your partner’s prison sentence; a stigma that might attach itself to you, if you let it.  It is not your job to make others feel ‘ok’ with the choices you have made in your life. What others think of you, quite frankly, is not your business. Your business is to proudly live your life. Stepping into the role of a prisoner’s wife/partner will be an enormous adjustment. Do not make this adjustment more difficult by hanging your head in shame.

You will experience a sense of loss when your partner leaves the home; allow yourself the time needed to adjust to your new circumstance. Surrounding yourself with a strong support system e.g. friends, ministries, and support groups will go a long away to keep you sane. Do not be afraid to ask for help. There will be days when you feel like you can’t carry on, but a good support system will help love you pass the pain.

Incarceration is not an inexpensive endeavor and these expenses will affect your monthly budget. Bills such as postage costs, calls, visitation expenses, packages, books etc. will add up — quick. Figure out your normal monthly budget. Figure out prison expenses; distinguish your wants versus needs and plan, plan, plan. Being prepared will help minimize financial strains.

Staying connected as a family is essential and facilitates your partner’s reintegration in to the family unit. A man in prison is still a man. Keep him as the head of the family. Ask his opinion. Make decisions together, no matter how trivial. Send him pictures of your environment – a changed hairstyle, rearranged furniture, new dress etc. No event is too small. Allow him to participate in discipline of the kids; to participate in their development. Share progress reports and report cards. Schedule calls during homework time. Ongoing familial attachments will go a long way to diminish your partner’s sense of isolation.

One of the biggest challenges for a prisoner’s wife/partner is keeping love alive. Your relationship is under new management and will require you to think outside the system. Intimate and honest communication has to be the foundation of your relationship. Letters and calls are dates; prepare for them, savor them. Each word, each action is an offering of the heart. Being a prisoner’s wife/partner will teach you the art of courtship; reminiscent of the days of nostalgic romance where a simple glance or slight touch unlocks the fantasies of your mind. Love is mental. Create rituals only the two of you share. Love is a commitment. Commit to having a boundless love, in spite of the boundaries.

Every situation in your life — no matter how bleak — has a silver lining but you will need to mature in to this process to see it clearly. Focus on the reasons you stay. Above all else, when facing a high failure rate, strive to be a part of the minority and take pride in saying to the world – “Not us, not our relationship!” [rft]

What are your secrets to beating the failure rate?

“I don’t understand it.”

“How can you be with someone incarcerated?”

“It makes no sense.”

“These relationships don’t work.”

Well critics, thanks for your thoughts but I offer this: All relationships are different.

No one can ever appreciate the depths of a relationship between two people. Outsiders will not speak the language, cannot read the nuisances, nor understand its infrastructure.
 

People design relationships that work best for them. If their design doesn’t look “right” to you, it’s not supposed to.

What do you think?

Let’s cut to the chase. There is etiquette to everything, even in the prisoner’s wife lifestyle. There is a disturbing trend in our community of investigating one other, as in sleuthing out who, what, when, where, and why of crime committed by another woman’s man.

Here is a bit of etiquette more important than what fork goes with what meal. The #1 thing you should NEVER do: DO NOT Google the crime of a person’s husband/boyfriend/partner.

The rule should speak for itself but if a ‘why’ is needed I’ll comply.

You should never do this because:

1. It’s not your business. The time it takes doing this takes away from time you can work in your own life.
2. It discriminatory. There is no point to it unless you want to set yourself apart, i. e. You (or your guy) are better.
3. It’s destructive. Of course, you won’t keep the intel to yourself. Nope, you gonna run tell everyone you know. Set off a gossip mill. Inevitably, hurting its target.
4. We ask the world not to judge us. We must not judge each other.

Here’s another ‘why’. Ask yourself why you need to know?

We live in a world of nonstop information. Salacious details about others are fodder in times of boredom. Each week there is a new, more horrific crime reported.

Our community first and foremost is about the supporting the partner on the outside. People need to feel comfortable with what they say and who they say it to. Trust is paramount. We need to feel as if those who should understand how and what we feel–do.

When you violate a person’s trust and go beyond the information they want to share by digging into the life of their partner, it smacks of hypocrisy. And, doing this brings a certain mean girl-esque quality which destroys bonds. More importantly, it kills the power of us coming together for a common goal—to change perceptions.

In the new year, let’s resolve to treat each other with respect and quite frankly, mind our own business! Happy New Year!

Did you miss our show on Prisoner’s Wife Etiquette? Listen here.

What are some of your rules of etiquette?

Here are the top two resolutions for prisoners’ wives/partners:

1. Lose weight in your relationship – If you had a difficult year, suffered a few disappointments, or learned something hurtful. Its’ time to lose weight. Extra goo in your union is unhealthy. If you are still together, then you owe it to each other to not only lose the weight, but not regain it. This extra poundage will not only weigh the relationship down but eventually will affect your relationship health. If you still harbor feelings about what happened in 2011, you have approximately two days to hit the gym to lose what’s ailing you and start the new year with a zero on the relationship scale.
2. Balance your relationship checkbook – We have a tendency to give and give and give and sacrifice and sacrifice and sacrifice. We are emotionally and sometimes financially overdrawn, trying to pay the hefty price of this relationship. You cannot continue to pay from an account that’s overdrawn. Eventually, the account must be closed which means a mental breakdown in your future. Balance your relationship checkbook. Decide what works and what doesn’t. Where are the deposits? Where are the withdrawals? Shift credits and deposits accordingly until you have more than enough to give.

For example:
Overcompensating – Withdrawal.
Stressed over things you can’t control – Withdrawal.
Paying for things can’t afford it – Withdrawal.
Living within your means – Deposit.
Communicating effectively – Deposit.
Supportive friends and family- Deposit.

By losing weight and balancing our checkbooks, we resolve to have  better relationships which ultimately will spill over to us becoming better people (we hope).

Happy New Year!

What are some of your relationship resolutions?

In this call, Sheila talked about an exercise she and her husband like to do to take the pulse of their relationship.

Each year, they write five words to describe the relationship. No long exhaustive letters, just five simple words.

The point of the exercise is to determine where a relationship needs works and if both parties see the relationship in the same way. Honesty is important. For instance, it does the relationship a disservice to describe it as the best thing since sliced bread when it has really been a difficult year.  Don’t focus on things you can’t change. Don’t make a list of prison words. Focus on the connection despite the location. This exercise will get you talking and if necessary, fix something before it goes off the rails.

Five words might be:

1. Blissful
2. Supportive
3. Healthy
4. Loving
5. Surprising

Or

1. Quicksand
2. Frustrated
3. Tense
4. Unhappy
5. Difficult

These two examples are very different pulses of a relationship. Now, if the above example is by two people in the same relationship, you see they will have a lot to talk about.

Is your relationship ready for 2012? Let’s find out. Assignment: You and your partner write five words that accurately describe the state of your relationship. Discuss.

Find the love story of Joseph and Sheila in Love Lives Here, Too: Real Life Stories about Prison Relationships and read how five words strengthen their marriage.

Listen to my chat with Sheila.