Open Letter to the Incarcerated (in relationships)

Open Letter to the Incarcerated (in relationships)

Dear Incarcerated (in relationships),

I spend a lot of time counseling women who have committed their lives to standing by you. These women are the very embodiment of unconditional love. I often see many women hurt, mistreated and devastated by partners whose idea of love differs from theirs. You don’t have a choice to do this time, but we do.

Here are a few things you should know:

You should know that we really love you. We love you with two years. We love you with life sentences. Some of us even love you with death. You should know that if a woman is willing to love you at all during a prison sentence, she is someone worth respecting and hanging on to.

You should know it’s not game to ‘play the field’ behind bars. In fact, it’s lame and tacky. Take a look around. You ain’t ballin’. If you are using someone for comfort and commissary under the guise of love and romance, you should know it’s not kind. It takes more strength of character to tell the truth about your intentions. You may be surprised to learn that some are still willing to support you.

Many of us give up everything to take care of you. We lose jobs, friends, homes, sanity and in extreme cases, children. You should know it’s not right to ask and/or guilt your woman into believing or feeling that she must give up everything because you sit in prison. Losing one’s livelihood is too high a price to pay for love because at the end of the day, you have accommodations.

You should know life goes on. To demand that she not go out and enjoy the world she is a part of is selfish. There are two lives dealing with this situation. Don’t make her a pseudo prisoner by sentencing her to house arrest.  You should know it doesn’t have to be hard time for both for you.

Bottom line, don’t be a cliché. Don’t spend your time there being about nothing. Prove society wrong (that prisoners are the lowest form of life) but above all, respect the work and sacrifice we put in to not only keep you relevant to the world, but to rehabilitate your image. This is a tough crowd.

You should know that ain’t nobody got time for foolishness.

Sincerely,
Mrs. GE-6309

p.s. You should know that if you love and respect your partner with everything you have, this note is not for you. Refer back to first line of paragraph two.

[rft]

What would you say in your open letter?
What else do the incarcerated need to know?

  1. KareBearKareBear07-04-2013

    My boyfriend has been in prison for 20 years. He was young when he went in. He was upset about his time so he did not care what he did. He built his reputation and did things that got him in trouble. Since we have been together he has stayed out of trouble. He shared with me once how he didn’t realize when he got in trouble and got locked up in solitary confinement, or have phone & visitation privileges taken away or had to have visits with handcuffs how much it hurt his family and friends.
    I would put in my letter:
    You should know that we are waiting and working for you to come home to us as soon as you can. When you can’t call us it makes us worry if you are okay. When we cannot go see you it hurts us. When you get infractions or get in trouble it makes us wonder if you are working towards the same goal of you coming home to us as soon as you can.

    • ShannonShannon06-10-2014

      I agree with you. We can only hope and pray they want to work towards coming home.

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  2. Aprisonerswife1965Aprisonerswife196508-10-2013

    I think a huge issue is these pen pal relationships. These types of relationships have exploded over the last few years. 95% of the time it’s a con job to separate woman from their money. Even when the woman post this is happening to them they still continue the relationship. The whole world can see what is happening and on some level the person knows because she posts questions about his behavior that is so blatantly abusive. Yet she does not really want the answer to. Most of the time I see woman enabling the behavior of the woman in denial. The real relationships have a hard enough time making people understand that this is a real committed relationship . When these fake ones surface that’s all anyone remembers. The woman that got conned and used.

  3. kaka01-01-2014

    Amen to the idea that a woman willing to live u during any prison sentence short I r long I’d a keeper. Its hard. My husband just went in. Hope u don’t mind me sharing a petition as well.

    Extended family visits petition for illinois prisons please sign … https://www.change.org/petitions/illinois-department-of-corrections-allow-extended-family-visits-in-all-illinois-prisons

  4. kunquodakunquoda01-04-2014

    I appreciate this site so much. Let me ask you something. My husband has been in for 26 years, he went in when he was 25 and is 52 now. most of his adult life has been spent in prison. , all his family has died will he has been in except one sister which just surfaced after being gone for about 15 years. He has been in long enough to learn to distrust, and be suspicious of anyone who walks. Now that we are married what seems to me to be controlling behavior, he explains that he doesn’t mean to be controlling but is very concerned for my safety. He doesn’t want me to go anywhere along hence the bad guy could jump me from behind… He doesn’t want me to talk to anyone , hence they may rob me later or rape me in some Wal-mart parking lot if I go out after dark. If I don’t answer my phone when he calls he worries that I may be with another man or I have gotten hurt somehow. He panics at the thought of not being able to reach me. He says there is a predator behind every corner, he know this because he is in prison with these predators and he knows how they think and he has heard how they talk about their victims.. I am a reasonably intelligent woman and I have yet to find the words to make him feel better about the world out here. He says his biggest problem is that he can’t be out here to protect me, and if I were to have an accident or get hurt he would be able to be with me. I on the other hand am a very independent woman and find this hard to deal with. I am also a very understanding and can see things from his point of view as well. I would love to get some feed back on this issue…. thanks for being there for each other, hang in there gals we CAN get through this…

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    • RiickyyRiickyy02-26-2015

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  5. Letitia JamesLetitia James01-20-2014

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for 7 months now.He’s been locked up for 16 years we met through a friend. I had just got out of a two year relationship that was just not meant to be. We started talking about our past and what we are aiming for now. We both want the same thing and are working towards going for it. We have God in our relationship, we pray pray pray. I visit him and I write him he has changed my perspective of men. We have love for one another but the three letter word is a little to hard to say at this time. He wants me to be his wife and the mother of his children. I want this for us so each and every day that’s what I live for. I could care less of how people think of me. God brings people in our lives when we least expect it. I can say I have been happy with my boyfriend, Carlton he treats me like a queen and cares about me. He is very special to me… Happy with Carlton S. Clay….

  6. lindseylindsey04-17-2014

    My fiance and i met for the first time over 10 years ago. We didn’t know it then but we had found the love of our life the moment w we laid eyes on eachother. At the time we were both with other people and never saw one another again. Ten years went by and we both had some bad relationships. I had just come back to our small town after leaving a7 year abusive relationship. Eddie and i crossed paths a the bank and he came up and talked to me.I knew who he was right away but didn’t say anything. In fact at the time i could hardly speak.i took his number and texted him the next day. The first night we got together we say at my house talking til3am. I loved him right away. We were only together for2 short months before he was arrested and had been in jail since July of 2013. He is awaiting trial on a felony that could carry a life sentence.Our anniversary is April20. This Sunday. This is going to be the hardest thing we’ve ever had to go thru. But we are going to go thru it together. Choosing to stand both him was the easiest decision I’ve ever made. But going the distance will be hard. I commend those of you who are truly committed to the men you love and that truly love you back. I feel sorry for those putting themselves thru something like this for the ones that don’t deserve their love and support. But those women have made their choice and need help too. I’m thankful to have found this site and I’m looking into opening a group in my area. We need to stick together. For us and for them. For most of these guys, we are all they have to build on to. All that is left to keep them sane.

    • KimberlyKimberly07-04-2014

      Your story 8s exactly mine.. only thing differ is I didn’t meet him 10 years before. EVERYTHING else is the same. We too are awaiting trial for possible life. He us in the county now, and have been there since October 2012

  7. GailGail05-14-2014

    Dear Ladies…I appreciate and commend you all standing by your men. However, I ask you, did he care so much about you and your needs/feelings while he was breaking the law? No.

    My husband of 12 years is doing five years for attempted armed robbery. He made this choice to feed his crack addiction. He had choices other than breaking the law. I offered rehab, anything for him to get well for us and our two school age daughters. He chose his new address and I for one am not going be concerned about his feelings, his loneliness, or how to make his life easier in prison. Why? I have to work two jobs to support myself and my children. I get no assistance, public or private. I struggle to provide for our children while he gets a free roof over his head, food in his mouth, clothes on his back, medical and dental. And please don’t give me the “he hasn’t his freedom” BS. That was his choice. I did not choose this.

    Never in a million years did I think my kind, gentle man would end up in prison. But he has. And I am DONE! So kudos girls because for me “sometimes love just isn’t enough.” My girls and I deserve a man in our lives that will be responsible, mature, and loving. If I find him great. If not I will have taught my daughters that you don’t have to tolerate bad behavior just because you love someone.

    Caio!

    • Andrea LempriereAndrea Lempriere03-17-2015

      I applaud you! My husband of 5 years has been in prison since October 2014 and is awaiting trial. I have struggled with supporting him through this. I love him and hate to see what he is going through, but he doesn’t seem to care that I am struggling to keep above water. He just thinks I should keep putting money on his books and putting my life on hold for him. He may not think what he did was wrong, running a medical marijuana dispensary which is legal in our state, but federally is illegal. So it’s a catch 22. I also found out at his arrest he has been living in the U.S. illegal for many years. His family all lives out of the country and wants me to fight for his immigration status, but when do I get to take care of me and my boys? I don’t want to “abandon” him, but shouldn’t feel I have to live scrapping by in order to make his life easier. I need to see experiences like yours where you are not willing to give up your life for their mistakes. Regardless of our love of these men, we need to be able to take care of ourselves and our children. I hope I can be as strong as you and take this stand soon. May I ask if you felt guilty and how did you work through those feelings? This truly has need the worst nightmare of my life, just need to make sure my kids come out of it ok.

      • MichelleMichelle08-12-2015

        Andrea,

        I am so happy I ran into your message.
        I’m on here looking for support as well and some of the stuff you wrote very closely relates to the way that I am feeling.

        I have been with my husband for 6 years. We married while he was awaiting trial in jail.
        We had been friends for several years prior to starting a relationship and I was head over heels for him.

        He was sentences to over 12 yrs in prison and I did not care. I wanted to be there for him and stand by his side during his incarceration. Time was never the issue; I was in love and I did not care how long I had to wait.

        In the beginning everything was great. I was going to visit him very often, writing him letters all the time; I would pay to accept his collect calls, I would put money on his account, ordered him magazines, books, etc. Although at times I had to make some adjustments with my own needs, I was able to manage meeting his. My focus was him. He made me feel appreciated and that motivated me to be there. I tried to do everything that I could to make his time easier.

        I committed fully to him. He was transferred out of state and that made visitation extremely hard. My trip to see him was over $1,000 due to needing to fly out of state, get a hotel, food, rent a car, etc. I went to see him once which did impact me financially, but it was worth it.

        After the years went by I matured a lot personally and began chasing my dreams. I started to focus more on me and my children (which are not his biological children). By me becoming involved in more work, school, trainings, etc it started to take away from him. School, etc was all out of my pocket as I did not qualify for financial aid, etc. My tuition fees and educational expenses took a financial hit on me. My bills went up.

        My children grew and suddenly they had more needs. This also increased my expenses.
        My children needed more of me now. I started to focus on being a mom more.

        The amount of time that I had for my husband was now extremely limited as I was working all day and going to school all night. At first he was supportive. I loved it. I loved him. I wanted to show him that I was a strong woman and that I could handle the situation of having him in prison while developing and growing into an educated woman. In an effort to also eliminate free time (which only made me sad, because I missed my husband) I started adding more to my plate. More schooling, more certifications, more work, etc. It was my escape from reality. I was on a roll.

        I was doing great things for myself, but then eventually he started bringing up the fact that I wasn’t giving him enough time, enough attention. I wasn’t supporting him financially, I wasn’t going to visit him, etc. He started throwing all this at me even though he was fully aware that I was having financial difficulties.

        He started interpreting this as me not caring about him and even accused me of cheating. All this time I had invested time, effort, money, commitment and focused on developing myself to become a better woman for myself, my kids and HIM. He didn’t see it that way. Out of our entire time together, never once did I cheat on him. Never once did it cross my mind. I love this man. Unfortunately, his idea of love is different than mine. From what I get from him is he wants a girl that is always there sending him money and answering his calls and writing him letters and that has a lot of time to just focus on him.

        I did 6 years with him. 6 years that he’s been incarcerated and I’ve been right here by his side. I didn’t have to, I wanted to. I never expected anything from him, other than his emotional support. I thought that he would hang with me while I’m going to school, etc and not able to help him financially or go visit all the time, but I was wrong. As soon as the focus was away from him and back to me and my kids, he started feeling uncomfortable.

        When he would call me and I would miss his phone calls he would flip out and accuse me of being with another man. He started doubting me a lot. This hurt me and began to frustrate me. How could he be so blind to see that I am just too focused on growing and developing myself? Is it that hard to believe that you just really have a solid partner? I think it is. At first I didn’t mind a little jealousy because to me it showed that he cared, but eventually it got to the point where it just disrespected me. While im out here trying to do the best that I possibly can and busting my behind to do productive things he’s calling me with nonsense accusation. It became ridiculous.

        We recently got into an argument where he brought up the fact that I do not have my “priorities straight” insinuating that he should be my priority. Although I love him and he is one of my priorities, school is very important to me and it upsets me that he wants to get in the way of that. I expected him to be a lot more understanding. Right now that I am in a financial hardship he no longer seems so supportive of anything. He recently told me that because he feels that I’m not giving him attention/focus he believes that I’m cheating on him and I don’t want to be with him so he thinks its best for us to take some time apart?

        I was hurt and I felt guilty because its true, I haven’t given him as much attention or money I wish I could, but right now I cant. I have to keep chasing my dreams. I wish he would be right there to support me, but no. I valued my marriage. I still love this man, the truth is though that I’m tired of the situation that I’m in.

        I got tired of investing and not getting nothing in return–not even emotional support. He still has 4 + more years to go and I ask myself now if it’s worth it? To be honest, even though I love him and I want to be with him, I think its becoming clearer that this may not be the best for me. I do feel guilty about leaving him and not trying harder, but at the same time I feel like I’ve given him and our relationship so much of me. If he’s willing to walk away from me right now that I need him the most: when I’m financially unstable and needs his support, then is it fair for me to stay while he’s in prison and needs/expects so much from me? I think its pretty clear that he is looking out only for his best interest and not mine.

        At this point I am not sure where my marriage is going and I am extremely hurt. I just pray that God will guide me .

        My advise to you would be to never feel guilty about focusing on yourself and your kids. You should not have to feel like you’re scrapping to meet your needs and his. It is not fair for us to always worry about making their lives easier when they’re not worrying about our struggle. We don’t have to put our lives on hold for anyone who does not love us or appreciate us. If we feel like we are sinking and their not even trying to make an effort to pull us up somehow, then we really need to start thinking if we are going to let ourselves sink or are we going to let go of the weight that is pulling us down?

        Listen to your heart.

  8. Antonio BetheaAntonio Bethea09-17-2014

    Me personally I think u Women that support it man while he’s down its awesome! I salute you for it commitment and dedication and I thank u for those dudes that haven’t…

  9. ValloryVallory10-30-2014

    I don’t know what to do. My husband and I were married for 8 months before he got 20 years in prison, 10 of those being mandatory as it was aggravated. I am 57 years old and I hate the thought of being apart they many years and at this age whether either or both of us will still even be alive. He’s been in for a year and 5 months now , I just feel lost

    • AndreaAndrea03-17-2015

      I’m struggling with these same feelings, have you found anything that helps?

  10. ShalondaShalonda04-08-2015

    Hi my significant other Travis has been in prison since October 2014. Before he was tooken away for me him and I went thru hell to be with eachother. I mean we literally hit rock bottom, but we still managed to by each others side. He did however put me through hell a lot with accusing me of everything for I WAS NOT doing! It hurt me mentally and emotionally. We were both using drugs at the time but not through our who relationship. That’s where most of our problems came from. I wanted to stop he didnt. Well needless to say he goes to prison again for not going to rehab and I was so hurt, devasted and sad that I just lost my other half. I didn’t think I was gonna be able to make it without him. When I went to visit him in County jail he was crying and telling me how much he loved me and cared and I let him know I feel the same way and I wasn’t going anywhere because he is the love of my life. He made me promise him I was not gonna go anywhere and leave him hanging even if I was out doing what I wanted to do. I told him a had to re assure him that was NEVER gonna hapoen. I wasn’t gonna sleep with anyone else(which I haven’t), nor just leave him. I told him I was gonna ride out his whole bid with him which I am. Well he gets transferred to prison starts sending me drawings, letters, and calling me and saying the most sweetest things to me I thought he had chang. That I got back the person I fell in love with. Time passes and he starts accusing me of shit, doesn’t want me going out just says ignorant shit to me. God it hurts I’m tearing up right now. So I tell him how he hurts me then he apologizes and does it all over again and still I forgave him. Well about two weeks ago he tells me he can’t so his time with having a women on the streets and says he not gonna call me back and is leaving me. Omg it hurt so bad! I mean wow how could he hurt me so bad again….
    I have been a rider through this whole thing and I get treated like that! A week before he did that he told me it’s not healthy for him to love me as much as he does. I’m lost, confused and most importantly broken at this point….

  11. ShalondaShalonda04-08-2015

    I’ve been writing him, sending pictures still and haven’t gotten nothing back this is killing me and depressing the hell out of me

    • gegegege02-01-2016

      Oh hell no he didn’t. See that’s what I’m afraid of being by their side through it all then one day he decides it’s over

  12. BrandieBrandie05-12-2015

    Ok…i dont know why im here typing this its not like i deserve to even complain because i havent been threw what you all have been threw but if i cant say what i need to say or vent soon im going to go insane so please bear with this newbe (me). Ok so the only way i know how to start this is to start from the begining so i ask again please bear with me. So my boyfriend well my fiance is locked up in county and hes been there for a month in a half in three days he will have been in for two months funny how you notice how much time goes by when you cant be with the obes you love. I dont know how to explain to him how much i need him and how much i love him. Its like a very deep riped whole in my chest that i have no idea how to handel and the depth of this pain overwhelms me so mucj at times that i end up havibg verry horrible nightmares about him. I cant sleep because he is not here and its painful to sleep in a emptyy bed noing that the person you love is not going to be there to lay next to you. If i do get to sleep i dream of him and sometimes im happy for a while things are as they should be but but you always have to wake up and youlook around for the person that you love and for a second you get scared because you cant findthemand all at once you remberr that they are locked up andd the pain starts all over again bet worse each and everyday that they are not here the pain gets worse. I wish i could get my man to understandd how much it hurts when he test my trust and loyalty and tells me to leave but i can deal with that because i know one hundred percent im not going anywere np matyer what because i know that im his ride to die chick. They will never understand the pain that we go threw while they are locked up. Sitting here typing this im kinda laughing out loud sittingg heree on my couch becausee forr the first tinee in aa while im actualyy nott writing him aa letter. I dont think that its fair that we as there partners only get to see our partners for twenty minutes when we are aloud to see them.I think that it needs to be longer and i know that i probly sound like a lot of wives parners and girlfriends but i dont see how its fair.How i miss his touch not being able to touch him and hold hun is the worst because you cant hold them and tell them that its going to bee allright. Whatever infirmation we do get its always un understandable. I shouldd probly stop ranting and im sorry if im bothering ppl was just looking for a way to understand and deal with all off this i just wish with all my heart and soul that he was here with me right now i love him verry much.

  13. NikkiNikki04-09-2016

    Hey ladies. You are all an inspiration to me. My fiance has been locked up for just over a year now and he still has a little less than a year to go. Things have been soooo hard for us. We’ve battled family and friends and life. I love him so incredibly much. I didn’t know I could love someone so much until I met him. But there are days where I don’t know what to do. I feel like he is always trying to control me. He has accused me of cheating more times than I can count even though it’s never crossed my mind. I do everything for him. I put money on his account, pay for the phone calls, buy him magazines, books and I don’t always feel like he is grateful. Sometimes he tells me. He tells me he loves me the way I am and that he doesn’t want me to change but when I do something he doesn’t like or forget something he told me he flips out and treats me like I’m a bad person. Today he got mad because I bought something we had said I wouldn’t get. He said he was mad because I didn’t listen. I listened to him but at what point am I not allowed to change my mind and get what I want? I get him everything he asks for. I feel like he doesn’t ever try to compromise with me. I’ve given up so much to make him happy. I gave up a vacation with my mom (who just moved to a different state 8 hours away) because he didn’t want me to go. I moved my entire life to be close to him (also I hated my job). I can’t vent to my family because they disapprove. I can’t talk to my friends because they are either single or just sit and judge. I haven’t seen any of them in months. I had to get a 2nd job so that I can afford the things he wants. I ate pb&j at work for weeks so I could afford the things he wanted. I feel like he only looks at how hard it is for him and that because I’m out here I have it so easy. I wish he could feel what I feel and see what I deal with on a daily basis. I wanna ask him how he would feel if he had a daughter and a man treated her the way he treats me. I feel like my feelings don’t matter. I love him more than anything but I’m so lost. How do I make him see that my feelings matter too? How do I tell him that the way he is treating me is not right? I never want to leave him. Help please.

  14. CassCass07-11-2016

    My husband been locked up 19 years we been married 7 years Now in last several years its a thing im cheating out partying just everything. Im a older woman and not into that Just working all the time visit him when out the box all the time for dumb stuff. We get into serious arguments im deeing someone stop playing games and so on. Its to the point i hate to answer the phome if its him i never cheated on him never

  15. AmandaAmanda07-11-2017

    I think this site is great an I would live to see more blogs….I married my husband 6 yrs ago on June 30….an again. This year I visited him in the same place we marriedp….

  16. AmandaAmanda09-27-2017

    My boyfriend is doing 2 years we been together almost six years it at long but it sucks

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Living your life when your partner is locked up means knowing what you can and can not control and making the most of it.

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